I Said, “No.”

I had a Spanish teacher in high school named Señora Raymer. She gave me a book called The Road of Lost Innocence and told me I’d appreciate it.

The book was about a woman trafficked as a sex slave. I felt so passionately about the book and the author that I vowed to do something, anything, to help women who have been forced into such unspeakable horrors.

I was going to right the wrongs. Vindicate the victims. And make a friggin’ difference.

Until I realized I wanted money more. Sex slavery and rape were replaced with college and partying. A lot of partying. Name it- I was on it.

Then I met a guy named Jim who would bring the very same passion I felt in high school bubbling up like lava in a seemingly inactive volcano.

He didn’t care how I got down.

white powder

photo credit: freeimages.com/rotorhead

Jim didn’t care if I used his apartment to crash. Or if I hung out in his bathroom with a debit card, a straw cut in half, and some good powder. Because after a few lines of white, he could do whatever he wanted to my body. A lesson he taught me freshman year.

My professor of real life.

I said, “no.” I tried to push him off. But it didn’t matter.

After a while I stopped caring, too geeked to fight. So I let him finish. He apologized afterwards. Jim, always the gentleman. At least he wore a condom.

That was the first time. On his uncomfortable bed in his crummy college apartment.

JIM: 1

RAE: 0

The next time Jim and I met at a mutual friend’s house party. I trusted our mutual friend. I did not trust Jim. I remember talking to a scrawny chick who introduced me to Lana Del Rey’s Off to the Races:

And I’m off to the races, cases of Bacardi chasers
Chasin’ me all over town ’cause he knows I’m wasted.

I love that song. Memories of bathrooms, cigarettes, beer, and runny noses. I can almost taste my addiction.

I went to the bathroom. As I was peeing I noticed I had put my panties on inside out. Since leaving my apartment, I had been wearing inside out panties. And was none the wiser until I had to tinkle.

When I fixed them and came out of the bathroom into the empty bedroom, Jim was waiting for me. He intercepted before I could return to the party.  Was I high that night? Probably. I can’t remember.

We started making out and he pushed me against the wall. I didn’t mind. Then he pulled me towards the bed and I minded very much.

Jim wasn’t always a condom guy. I didn’t want to take the risk. I feared he might’ve been packing an STD or 3. Frat boys, you know?

He already showed me he had no problem proceeding without my consent. Luckily we were at a party and not alone. I managed to escape with my dignity.

JIM: 1

RAE: 1

A few years later, Jim was passing through my city. He wanted to come visit me. He was having financial trouble- something about parking tickets and his car.

I had mixed feelings about Jim.

He was sweet sometimes. He got out of hand twice in the four or five years I had known him. It would be okay if I let him stay.

And it was okay.

I began trusting him again. He had a wild streak but so did I. He was an okay guy. I was getting used to him. He came back to visit me three months later and stayed a week. It was a good week until it wasn’t.

It was early morning and he wanted it. I didn’t want anything except for him to leave because I had school work to finish. He tried to get me in the mood anyway. I had things to do. He was persistent.

I said, “no.” I fought. Not as fervently as the time in his apartment, though. He asked me if I was on birth control to which I also said, “no.” He didn’t wear a condom. Didn’t apologize, either. Some gentleman.

No.

How I despise that word.

No was supposed to protect me. No should have white knighted me. When I said no, Jim should have stopped. But he didn’t because no means nothing to men like him.

If he had been violent like the villains in my book instead of firmly disregarding my wishes, then I would’ve recognized the act for what it was. Or maybe not. Who knows?

JIM WINS 2-1

Time to cut my losses and move on, I guess.

I am left with just one final thought…

the road of lost innocence

Letter from Raymer

How could I ever fight for the sexual rights of women when I can’t even defend my own?

Lo siento, Señora Raymer.

You were wrong about me.

#lifesucks

*Rae

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107 thoughts on “I Said, “No.”

  1. Rae, I was date-raped on my grad night and it was set up by a person (female) who I thought was one of my best friends. It wasn’t until years later in group therapy that I was told it was date rape. I thought it was my fault. I think your teacher was right about you – you just got lost along the way, but that doesn’t mean you stay lost. Thank you for being brave and sharing this. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 8 people

  2. Lady J says:

    I know this must have been hard to share, but you never know who will come across this read and be encouraged by your story. I am sorry these things happened to you but even in our pain there is still purpose. Stay encouraged and keep pushing!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. “It’s hard to imagine myself being a soldier for female empowerment after all that but there’s hope, I hope”

    FWIW, putting this story out there seems like a big step in that direction.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I can relate. It was years before I recognized that kind of violation for what it was–rape. I assumed responsibility for what happened to me because … I didn’t know I had the right to say no AT ANY TIME. And because Christian Patriarchy had it wedged so deep in my psyche that women’s bodies are scandalous to begin with, so you know, having a woman’s body made me party to the crime.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You know what? This post just made a thought occur– there really is no such thing as ‘safe sex’. It’s always a risk to be emotionally and physically vulnerable that way– even with full consent. Even with condoms. THIS should be what we teach about sex to our children– that it’s always a risk. Abstinence only education backfires, and I think safe sex education does too (condoms do not make sex safe… They just prevent pregnancy and STDs).
    Can we empower women to take full ownership and control of their sexuality without driving home how dangerous it can be? How even in a loving relationship, a infidelity or a betrayal by our partner hurts so much more deeply in a consummated relationship than one that wasn’t. Just thinking outloud here… Love to hear your insight on this:)

    Liked by 5 people

  6. Hi Rae,
    It’s a shame that anyone would have to suffer this form of abuse. However, you have helped others by writing about it and showing others who may be struggling with the same, that they aren’t alone and that they can reach out for help and make needed changes in their life. Keep up the good work. Please do not get down on yourself, and see what you can do not to allow yourself to be put in these positions, where you have to say no. There are plenty of good men out there that can respect women and a woman’s wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes, there is purpose. That’s what I cling to. It keeps me going, I hope that the women/girls who have similar tales will read my story and know that nonconsensualish is still nonconsensual. And nonconsensual at the end of the day is just a fancy word for rape. Rape-ity rape. Thanks for your comment, God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Right! Just being there in the first place, having a female body, it’s like we’re already responsible for anything that happens. ‘No’ is the only power we have because guys tend to be stronger. When that sacred word is ignored- what’s left. What do we as women have? The feeling of helplessness is depressing. I’m sorry you had a similar experience. There are no eloquent words I can string together to sufficiently express my sympathies- but I know how bad it sucks. Hang strong, sister.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree 1000% no such thing as safe sex. As a former math nerd, I think of it like an equation. I’m pretty constant in how I feel about sex. Condoms are pretty safe. Rae + Condom = Safe Sex. But then you throw a guy in the equation. The variable… then that equation becomes probabilities. He’ll probably wear it, but there’s no guarantees. Humans are unpredictable. For that reason alone there is no such thing as safe sex to me. But I’m kinda biased so what do I know lol

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Such a heart-wrenching history. I’m sorry that this happened to you. But you can speak up for the dignity of women because of your experience. The Christian prophetic voice must ring out against such abuses.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Wow what a reality you live in. The things I’ve turned my head from in movies because I couldn’t bear to see are things that you have actually lived through. That is a powerful testimony, not something you should be ashamed of. We all suffer through hardships and I commend you for breaking free of your shackles. Every little bit counts and God uses everyone of his followers in different ways to serve a special purpose. and if just 1 person saw this and made the decision to confide in Christ because of it, all of heaven rejoices all because of your “simple little seemingly insignificant post”!!! 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Yeah, the author of my book made me realize the power of one’s story. It wasn’t a fun stroll down memory lane but if someone else is stuck tryna defend a guy who continues to disrespect their wishes, like I was, I hope this will let them know to *stay away*

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It took great courage for you to write this piece, but I imagine it brought some healing as well. A powerful message indeed. Thank you fir sharing your life with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You’re absolutely right Pete! Since I’ve stopped living in denial, pretending it didn’t happen. I’ve been able to really move on. I can speak about it, not with shame or fear of what people will think, but with confidence knowing that it doesn’t define me.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I don’t think it is sympathy for what happened to you. Nor do you want pity. But I could not just read this and press “like”. It made no sense (to me) for me to do that.
    God will build strength and your strength will be revealed as it has through this blog post. There is no denying that.
    *sorry if my words are not fit*

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think your words are fine. I understand what you mean. Sometimes I read tragic stories and it seems sadistic to “like” but i like because it’s brave. I like that the authors are strong. And you’re right, I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just wanted to share that no one is immune to life’s pain and struggles. And in a world where we all want to mislead others into believing our lives our perfect, I’m embracing the tragedies because God gives us struggles to build faith and character. Thank you for your comment.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Going with the assumption that the past is done and final, and tomorrow is a complete uncertainty, here’s a smile for you doing what you can with what you’ve got today. 😀 I’ve no doubt you’re bringing honor to your Father’s name and will bring others to Him as well.

    Liked by 3 people

  18. Rae, I cannot tell you how sorry I am that all this happened to you. You are so courageous to share it. It was also beautifully written and your feelings well expressed. I wish “NO” was enough, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow … this was hard to read. But, I thank God for your courage to share, and perhaps it will give others the courage to stand firm in thier moments. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. leswartz says:

    I just want to hug you 💜 She wasn’t wrong, you are beautiful and intelligent, powerful story. When I read stories like this I think about the women in the linage of Jesus… “You have a bright future ahead of you “.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. So I get the fact that something dreadful happened to you. It’s important you wrote this on so many levels. To those who have been violated, that there is a way back and that God is able to cleanse and purify you, and even to the types of men who would do such a thing. God’s wrath will fall heaviest on those who wilfully commit dreadful sins against others in the full knowledge that what they are doing is wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Thank you! It took me being completely broken to finally realize the awesome power of God because building is what He does. He built me back up and I don’t regret the past because it led me to Him.

    Like

  23. Rae, thank you for braving to get the truth out. Often we figure it out, but keep it to ourselves. There are too many taboo’s still in place which make women feel responsible for not only this kind of rape, but abuse also. Knowing is a term I have come to endear. Once you know, you can share then, even wrongs can have a positive outcome,for yourself and others. I wouldn’t wish my abuse on any one, but I wouldn’t understand it so well or recognize it in others, if I hadn’t experienced it first hand. Praying you take your story and experience where God has a plan for it. Do good with the bad.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Thank you for bravely sharing this part of your life with me. It took much courage to write down what you went through. Sometimes you have to experience some things in life in order to minister to somebody else in that same place.

    I believe the Lord is going to use you to give a heartfelt word to another woman. Be encouraged, and may the Lord continue to strengthen you and be with on this challenging journey called life.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. *Rae, No-one has to feel how you did, it should never have happened, you have the story out there, and that is one of the bravest things I have heard of in recent years. You can still report Jim, and so many Women can still report the crimes against them, as many are doing against several celebrities in the UK. Bastards like Jim should be put down hard, so they never do it again.
    No means No
    Yes it is ingrained within the God Religions that Man has Domain and Women must serve his needs, but that is just BS on a grand scale. Without Woman there would be no Tribe, 10 men and 1 woman would end up as one and one, Woman IS more important, Man should treat Her with the Utmost Respect, it is the least they should do, and this coming from a Real Man who knows how to show respect to the Female of the species.
    Take him to court and nail him, that will even the score.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I appreciate the comment and you’re absolutely right! Unfortunately our situation is a bit more complex. Having shared my story, accepted and forgiven the situation, I’ve reached a spiritual equilibrium. I know that sounds like an odd response but I feel I’ve regained that power and now I’m moving on.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I am so sorry for what happened. Thank you for sharing. We are new creations in Christ, engaged to Him as pure virgins, no matter what is in our past (2 Cor. 5:17, 11:2; Rev.21:9-11).

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Rae, I read this last night and spent a lot of time thinking about you. I want to speak life and encouragement to you. I was raped 11 years ago, and recently God has called me to work with victims of human-trafficking. Being raped is awful–and God did not want that for you (or anyone else). But God certainly works through all circumstances. Being raped will empower you on the streets! When girls ask “What do you know about my lifestyle?” you can share as much or as little as you’d like, but you have experience walking in their shoes! I’d like to leave you with this thought. An anonymous person said: “They thought they buried us, but in reality we were planted.” I’m sorry this happened to you. But it doesn’t define who you are or limit what you can do! It can bring you to a place of power! Remember after Christ died for you, He sent you a spirit of power! Not a spirit of fear. And that same Spirit that lives inside of you rose Christ from the grave. We are victors in Him, not victims! Stay encouraged. God bless you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  29. That’s so true. A few months ago, I picked up that book I had received in 2010 and had a deeper appreciation for the words that were written. My situation is hardly comparable to the lives of some women. But I do feel I have greater respect for the suffering of others. Thanks for your comment!

    Liked by 1 person

  30. “Since I’ve stopped living in denial, pretending it didn’t happen. I’ve been able to really move on. I can speak about it, not with shame or fear of what people will think, but with confidence knowing that it doesn’t define me.”

    Boom, that’s it! That’s your testimony! You are more qualified to encourage someone who’s gone through something like this then someone who hasn’t. Not saying that someone that hasn’t gone through this is of no help for that is far from the truth. I’m just saying it means more when you can relate on a deeper level with someone that’s been there and done that.

    You give hope to those who may be caught up in hopelessness. Feeling angry at God for what has happened and has even given in to a lifestyle of recklessness feeling like “What’s the point in even trying?” There are girls that need to see that even though things can go horribly wrong in this life (because life can most certainly suck) no matter who has come in or out of their life, no matter what they have done or has been done to them, God’s love remains on them still and He is good! However, sometimes it’s hard for hurting people to see this from their own perspective, when they’re living in the fog of past pains and regrets, however they may see it more clearly through people like you. The brave ones, the ones that God has blessed with His strength and endurance to overcome the darkness.

    I think the wish you had to fight the good fight came true, but just like usual it comes in a way we could never except.

    Keep fighting the good fight Belove!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Thank you, Still. I needed that. Your comment was like a glass of water to thirsty spirit. I never really thought about that I can now relate better to those women who I once wanted to dedicate my life to helping. I’m not sure where God will lead me, but since I’m letting Him lead I expect it to be a better destination than where I would be headed alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Oh sweetie! That’s exactly why you fight for them because you know what it feels like. I think that’s where a lot of passion comes from. Wanting to save people from the hard lessons we have learned. Thanks for sharing your story. That alone helps other women 🙂 You are a strong woman!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Your English is beautiful, lady.

    You have done a brave thing by sharing your story. Now I’m going to judge you. You’re not done unless you (1) Acknowledge that you’ve been wronged, (2) Learn to forgive your abusers (it hurts) and (3) Pray for your abusers (hurts even more).

    Your story stops at step (1). It frightens the children instead of giving them the “happy ever after” smile.

    I was kidnapped before I turned 14 by a nice guy, taken to the adjacent city some 18 km away and then attacked for Sodomy/ gay sex. He wasn’t wearing a condom I guess for no fault on his part. Saudi Arabia is a holy empire that disallows sale of “child-killing through condoms”.

    I resisted his assaults until he lost energy and collapsed. Then he asked me if I knew “this” (penis). I said “no” because I always tell the truth. I thought he wanted to steal a kiss and see me naked and that sounded wrong. That’s why I was resisting.

    He thought I was going to beat him up as I was a very strong boy. But I chose to forgive him. I always forgive my enemies and tormentors. He was kind enough to drop me home and promised to be my friend.

    Some time later, I saw him once with his wife as he used to live nearby my school, from where he had “picked” me. I’m glad I helped him leave pedophilia and marry a woman.

    Believe me, these things I’m asking you are going to hurt you but they’re good news and will change your story from “horrible and sad” to awe-inspiring and a “victory for women despite their physical weakness”. Power of Love, that is.

    God gave you the chance of getting crucified for no sin on your part and the courage to tell the world. Now turn that death into an ever-lasting solution to THE ROAD TO LOST INNOCENCE book.

    You have it somewhere in you, that’s why I’m being so harsh with you. I don’t want you to excuse my insensitivity. I want you to wrestle with Jesus Christ as Israel did until you get his blessing.

    Then I won’t judge you. You’ll be blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Rae, there are countless untold stories just like yours. It is horrific what you had to live through… But you are still here! There is something very powerful and liberating about telling your story. It is a way of unloading and it can help others to open up about their abuse. You are taking back your power from your abuser! Keeping on writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Hey Rae.

    I was deeply touched by your story. I looked up “Road of Lost Innocence” and… it’s a fake story. Fiction presented as truth for the sake of cheap fame and money.

    That’s what that book is about: how to sell lies to make money.

    I’m not discrediting your story but I believe some people may misunderstand your goals and what your “appreciation” of that book means.

    It’s OK to be inspired by fiction. In my life, I came across fiction that later materialized in my life. For example, I once watched a horror movie, Fright Night, and indeed, a guy sneaked into my life and stole away my wife from me. I’m lucky becuase that guy was my brother so my ex is still in the family.

    But unlike the vampire in Fright Night, he was telling the truth so I’m not angry with them but the manner still hurts me.

    But everybody knows Fright Night is pure fiction, especially me. And that’s important.

    Like

  36. You said, “That’s what that book is about: how to sell lies to make money. I’m not discrediting your story but I believe some people may misunderstand your goals and what your “appreciation” of that book means.”

    The book inspired me but I knew sex slavery was a real issue even before I read it. And whatever happened in the news about The Road to Lost Innocence, no one can say sex trafficking is a fictional issue any more than someone could reference Upton Sinclair’s, The Jungle, and claim no one gets exploited by big business.

    I don’t think anyone would misunderstand my goals because my appreciation of it was not so much the author but the woman, my Spanish teacher, who gave it to me. That’s why at the end of my post, I reference my Spanish teacher. In fact, other than a brief overview of the story and the pics- I don’t mention Somaly Mam or her life. Now if I was promoting her work, that would be a different story. I was just going over snippets of my own experiences and, yes, my experience did involve reading her book. But only because my Spanish teacher, my real inspiration, suggested it and gave it to me as a present.

    I appreciate your sentiments, though. And I completely understand how you could draw conclusions based on the controversy surrounding the book I read.

    Liked by 3 people

  37. I believe your teacher put her trust in the right place.

    Let me tell you something. Mam is a queen of anti-sex trafficking but she believes it’s money that is going to solve the problem. Her kingdom is of this world.

    Can she solve the women-abuse problem in advanced countries?

    Your teacher didn’t believe so. She believed you could help, though. I also believe you can do it.

    Just let your kindom be of not this world. And you are heading the right way. You don’t need to apologize to your teacher, not yet. You have solved part of the greater probelm of women abuse.

    I’m sure she will be proud of your progress so far. You successfully got yourself date-raped. That was the first and most formidable challenge.

    Then when your abuser ran into financial troubles, he found help from you.

    Isn’t that another great achievement, another great victory? You’ve already proved he could rape your body but not your soul. You’ve overcome the world. You didn’t seek revenge when it was presented to you.

    Isn’t that something to be proud of? Why do you believe it was wrong on your part to give an abuser a second chance?

    Don’t spoil the sweet taste of your achievements by apologizing. Go through the part of Gospel where Jesus is crucified. On the cross, he says “It’s done!”. He correctly calls his crucifixion an accomplishment.

    But people called it a failure. Was it a failure? Did he apologize? Why are you apologizing? What wrong did you do? You need to prove your sin, lady, if you like to apologize.

    Liked by 4 people

  38. I love the way you put that! I was apologizing because there were days when I’d stay in bed, feeling sorry for myself. Hating him. Trying to pray him and the pain away. I felt like Jonah. The person I was, and am on some days, isn’t the person my Spanish teacher saw. Only God can set things right and my best hope is to find my place in His plan. I’m not sure where I fit just yet. And I like how you describe it like I was so kind to help him despite our rocky past. However, it wasn’t like that. He took advantage of me but I gave him second chances because I was at a low point in my life, my self-esteem, etc. But I am flattered by your comment.

    Liked by 2 people

  39. Great. You don’t like counting your helping him as a virtue. I’m impressed by your moral strength and ability to downplay your help versus his abuse and moral depravity, to keep taking advantage of his victim.

    You know, I keep seeing and hearing stories of men taking advantage of women. The women suffer silently. That’s why I believe in the superiority of women. Even the superiority of Bridget and all the donkeys over us, the males, who take advantage of our strength to abuse women.

    It was the respect of women rights that my brother tried his best to keep me away from his Saima but when he heard she wanted to marry me, he silently backed off and helped us financially, too.

    And it was respect of women that led me to leave my wife and let her go where she wants. I’m not angry with my brother but my wife could have shown greater faith in God.

    She married me because she thought God wanted it. So she got great faith in God but my brother kept paying us visits and she regretted her marriage and tried doing it her way, not God’s way.

    I mean she got great faith in God but she’s unaware of His ways, that’s why she started tormenting me until she finally threw me out of my apartment. I walked away without a fight, not knowing my fault but I later learned it from God.

    Now I’m trying to convince her of learning to listen to God’s voice and following him. “My sheep hear my voice and follow me”~ Jesus.

    I’ve tried to explain my story to several people but they never give me any feedback. They just go silent. I’m afraid my wordpress blogs don’t provide comments. How can I add comments?

    Liked by 2 people

  40. You can check the portfolio and there should be a comments option section on the left menu. I’ll respond to your comment in greater detail when I get back to my computer.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. I read over a few other posts before this piece, and did not expect the highly crafted, cutting scenes and staccato language that enhanced the rueful, bitter tone. The uneasiness is palpable and takes me into the scenes. I hope to write this clearly and honestly.

    Liked by 3 people

  42. You are brave and you are a really amazing writer. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in my early twenties and was drunk most of the time to cope, or maybe I was with him to drink. Anyway we are not our damage. Thank you for sharing. It’s not your fault. The most evil people manipulate you into thinking everything is your fault.

    Liked by 2 people

  43. I clicked the Verse of the Day and got Romans 6:5, which says something like “If you die with Christ, you’ll surely rise with him”.

    That was a relief, even good news.

    I have no doubt you died with Christ. Now I have no doubt you’ll rise with him. Now I can sleep.

    And yes, listen to Christ and follow him. Jesus said “my sheep hear my voice and follow me”.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. Will, thank you for your comment!

    I appreciate it and I’m sure you’re an excellent writer. Honesty is rough but it’s amazing how readers respond to it. Definitely better to be raw than reserved. I like your comment because it implies my post was a part of some grand literary plan instead of the ramblings of a self-pitying former addict who was sipping on cheap wine and dwelling on the bitter past lol.

    Thanks again for your comment! 🙂

    *Rae

    Like

  45. Rypsy,

    I’m so sorry to hear about that. Emotional abuse is the worst because it hurts in ways that no medicine can fix. There’s no band-aid for an emotional wound. 😥 I appreciate your sentiments. Stay strong! God has big plans for you!

    *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Thanks for the courage to share your story, Rae. I am proud of you. Are you familiar with the work of the International Justice Mission? They do great work around the world to try to stop human trafficking of all sorts….

    Like

  47. It is extremely interesting to read something like this from a female perspective.. That sort of issue can become a bit oversimplified, ‘why would you continue to see him?’ This did a good job capturing some of the real complexity involved with such relationships, well written

    Liked by 2 people

  48. You referenced a heinous practice so beautifully that I was adhered to the entire post. It is a deep seated reminder to me that a woman has every right to say ‘No!’ There are not ‘buts’. There are no excuses! No means NO!

    I wish you and your future self easy memories from now on. You’re paving a road for those less fortunate and I believe they who have been abused will walk along side you. Never give up.

    Liked by 2 people

  49. Thank you for your encouraging words (: only God knows what the future will bring me but I trust it’s better than the past

    Like

  50. Anybody can buy happiness. I just go to the shop and buy Pepsi. Makes me happy.

    But nobody can buy suffering. There’s no shop that sells heartaches. Only God can give us heartaches. Treasure them.

    I know it hurts, but let me congratulate all those who have been abused & hurt. Pity those who abused! May God have mercy on their evil souls.

    Liked by 1 person

  51. “How could I ever fight for the sexual rights of women when I can’t even defend my own?”

    A great beginning always comes in the form of a question. – W38

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Rae, my heart broke reading this powerful story. Telling it is a powerful act of defiance, a way to help so many other young women navigate consent. Thank you for sharing so boldly. Blessings and peace to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  53. I am a human trafficking and rape survivor. Somehow, as I read your story, I wondered if you suffered from a form of Stockholm syndrome, something which is not your fault. Young woman sometimes get emotionally attached to their abusers. At any rate, do not blame yourself. We need everyone to help end the horrors of sexual violence and human trafficking.

    You are only human. Don’t let anything stop you from pursuing your goals.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. Nancy, I’m so sad to hear that you experienced something so terrible. I’m glad you survived! You could be right, thanks for your comment!

    Like

  55. You’re welcome and thank you. It’s ok. It has put me in a position to help others via my website, FB page, and my blog. This is why I want to encourage you to stand up for what you believe is right.

    Liked by 1 person

  56. Heartbreaking and poignant. Please remember you are not to blame for anothers’ weaknesses. You were taken advantage of and made to feel shame for not being able to say no loud enough or forcefully enough. You are not at fault for rape – EVER. Praise God for His grace and mercy which has kept you physically safe. I pray for peace for the wounds which are still raw in your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  57. Thank you, it’s a rough road. But if it wasn’t for that event and the direct results of those events, it’s very likely I wouldn’t have changed my ways. I appreciate your kind words and pray whatever you are in your faith, God continues to bless you (:

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  58. Your story is horrific. Thank you for your efforts to keep others from experiencing the same. Thank you also for your kind opinions of what I write. May the words the Lord allows me to write bless you indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  59. I found your blog because you read mine last night…so thanks for that .

    Needless to say your writing skills are amazing. Your story, though heartbreaking and puzzling to me, got me reading it through in minutes, like someone else mentioned, why would you meat again with someone that showed disrespect to you in the past more than once? I am not judging I am just trying to understand as this behavior it’s something I have seen many times with friends of mine.
    The fact that you accept what happened and share it with such honesty it’s something I greatly admire it is clear that you have matured and see things differently than when you first met this guy. I hope you keep writing! I find blogging therapeutic when I’m about to blow up with mixed feelings. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  60. I look back all the time and ask what was I thinking. I think it had to do with an on and off substance problem. But he wasn’t always bad. He could be very sweet at times. And over a course of half a decade he only got disrespectful a handful of times. And none of those times seemed that bad because i had my coping meds. I also had self-esteem issues and he was attractive. My friends liked him. It seems stupid now. Typing these “excuses” but at the time it made sense to me. Also I have friends that go back to bad men, too. And self-esteem is always the core reason. I do accept my part. It’s not like I was sitting around reading my.Bible and got violated. It was a lifetime of poor decision making skills. Hope that helps! Thanks for your comment.

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  61. My goodness, you took my heart and twisted it all sorts of ways with this post. I am passionate about teaching young men how to be gentlemen—how to honor and respect women and how we as men are responsible to protect, rather than to rob a woman of her virtue. It pained me to hear of your ordeals, but then there’s the other side of the coin. There is the growing and learning that took place. You are alive and better than you’ve ever been, and still growing, as are we all. You are uniquely qualified to help other women, to comfort and educate them in ways nobody but you can do. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  62. Please view my blog scandalandlove. I can identify with you, based on my own experiences. I would appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts on my blog, if you have the time. It is very brave of you to reveal such painful memories. It is encouraging to know that we are not alone, and are no longer victims. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  63. Your story ignites a passion in me.

    You are beautiful to even be able to tell this story to others. Most people, throughout their whole life keep it inside like they should be ashamed of anothers’ wrong doing. You are not alone. While my own story is not as extreme, I once too said no – to my own boyfriend. Who then held me down and told me I wasn’t allowed to say no.

    Women are strong, we can conquer anything when we set our mind to it. I’ve been dealing with depression for a long while now and on and off medication.

    However, while I know #lifesucks at times… try to focus on the beautiful parts to see your way out. I don’t think your professor was wrong about you – you just have to see it for yourself now. I’m sending you so much love, stranger! Stay positive. Focus so deeply on the amazing parts of your life that negative experience turn to just experiences.

    People you don’t even know – love you.

    Stephie
    http://www.dearonlinediary.com

    Liked by 2 people

  64. Stephie,
    I am so sorry you had that experience with your boyfriend. But you are absoliutely right! Women are strong and we can conquer anything (: I really appreciate your kind and supportive words. Be blessed!
    *Rae

    Liked by 2 people

  65. Sex education, whether given in the home, in the school, or even in a church, ought to emphasize respect. It is extremely sad that so many of our young men do not respect a woman, especially when she says “no.”

    I have someone in my family whose experiences are not exactly parallel to yours, but she has had to deal with more than one boyfriend who did not give the kind of respect that she should have had from them. I know about some of the pain she went through.

    I admire your courage and the will it took to turn your life around. May God help you and strengthen you in your efforts to educate others on these issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  66. Thank you for your words. I’m sorry you have a family member who had disrespectful people in her life. God has helped a lot. And continues to work miracles. Blessings, *Rae

    Liked by 2 people

  67. JMJ
    Dear Rae,

    Having been violated myself (within the family), I identify with a lot of what you’ve said. God created you to be cherished, prized, protected.

    May I suggest that Jim never won anything. He lost every time. He mutilated his own soul, degraded *himself*, by violating you. St. John Chrysostom said, “which has need to grieve, he who suffered injury, or he who inflicted injury? Plainly he who inflicted injury, since … he cast himself out of the favor of God, and lost more than he gained: so that he is the injured party. Surely then need is not that one pray against, but for him, that God would be merciful to him”. St. Augustine says something similar: “every sin is more hurtful to the sinner than to the one sinned against.”

    You suffer (terribly) in time, with hope for a glorious eternity. Jim’s actions put him on the road to a terrible eternity–& they aren’t making him happy in time either! May God deliver him from this slavery to sin before it’s too late.

    And may He empower you to overcome evil with good (see Romans 12:21).

    Blessings!

    Liked by 2 people

  68. Words fail me…straight up… what God does with you is and will be beautiful.

    Keep Driving. Keep Getting Up… Keep your eyes on Him. The Planets will fall before His Word or plan for His children Fails. God is so good to us. Be encouraged.

    Liked by 1 person

  69. A lot of this kind of thing happened to me, too. It was never drugs but sometimes alcohol and sometimes nothing at all. It was always me being present in that situation. For years, and even still now, I shame myself for even being there…time after time after time, over and over and over again. It took me a long time to wake up and stop being in those situations. I am now in a very nice place in life with nothing icky like that going on at all. All I have left now are memories that never seem to go away, especially as I fear for my daughter and her wisdom when I am not around to guide her. She just turned 13.

    Thank you for sharing. 🙂

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  70. Marissa says:

    I have a few questions because I try to study these types of situations. I was lead to this post by the linked post “Oh So Salty.”
    1.) When you mention Sodom and Gomorrah and partying, name it you were on it, would any of that include orgy related parties and or were there previous partners you have had when you mention safe sex?
    2.) When you mention lines of white, would you be referring to cocaine hydrochloride? If so, how were you given access to it? What effects did it have being that you mentioned this character could do whatever he wanted after a few lines?

    It is good that you are taking something and being real about the situation enough to share it. Stay on the straight and narrow. Don’t follow the broad path many are on because it leads to destruction.

    Liked by 1 person

  71. Marissa says:

    What kind of drugs? Were they prescription or over the counter just used for recreational purposes? Would this Jim character be your first?

    I feel when young girls get out on their own for the first time, they should be especially careful with friends, as you have mentioned. Were you also influenced to hang with your friends to go to parties? And were these like frat parties or what?

    Parents with young daughters especially should keep good contact with them when they are on their journey to transition into adulthood.

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  72. Marissa says:

    Sorry if the questions I asked were too blunt. I ask this to gather information on these types of situations for research. So was it cocaine? Or over the counter turned recreational? Were you sexually active before this event?

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  73. What’s the research going towards?Also I’m sure there are more scholarly resources available out there that you can use for reference.

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  74. Marissa says:

    This is more for getting an understanding and asking someone who has experience. And this is more of a special case. I have a very close friend who I think is heading down a similar path. I am hoping it is not. So, that is the reason for my questions if you don’t mind answering. Sorry if it sounds too blunt! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  75. I’m so sorry for your experience which I and 3 out of 4 women have encountered. Sharing your experience is the first step in helping those other women. Yay you! Your tragedy opens the door for others to honestly evaluate their experiences. That is no small thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  76. Brenda Ozborn says:

    Question: What made you want to try drugs in the first place? I mean, knowing what people say about them. Bad things. Why would you even try them and what convinced you to try them the first time? How old were you??

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  77. Brenda, Because I had a troubled childhood, low self-esteem, and it was a coping mechanism. Every human has different life experiences and different ways of handling things. Why do you ask?

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  78. I am so sorry for what happened to you! It’s such an awful thing, I know. I wouldn’t even call that guy a “man” because the way I see it, real men don’t rape. I hope you have found a way to heal since then.

    Liked by 1 person

  79. I accept the part I played in the situation. Ultimately, it led me to God. Thank you and, yes, I have found a way to heal. Prayers and antidepressants lol. *Rae

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  80. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m passionate about fighting trafficking as well but like you, it got lost along the way. But maybe your story will actually make you more effective in reaching to those girls. Men can be confusing and they will twist the blame onto you. I think, whether or not it was a relationship that went sour or went all the way to rape, we don’t recognize it until later and it takes a brave woman to stand up and call it for what it is. Thank you for being that woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  81. Anne says:

    Where you involved in trafficking Rae? Either been a victim of human trafficking or been involved in drug trafficking? I watched many documentaries on how parent should also protect their children and not have them walk home alone. Believe it or not, this Human Trafficking is the largest billion dollar industry, even higher than drug trafficking.
    The following video is good for others who come ac cross this post, because this is a very REAL situation. Another video goes on to talk about how girls with low self esteem are targeted and end up as sex slaves. It is a documentary, and in it, the former culprits show how easy it is to act like the boyfriend, and then ultimately trick the girl. And how they will move on if the girl has a bit of confidence. Not to exclude women either, who I think are actually the biggest of pedophiles.

    I know the latter was a full book, but not to distract from the two questions above.
    Thanks!
    Annie

    Like

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