Oh So Salty

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. My post, I said, “No.” brought back so many memories. I know I didn’t innocently skip into trouble or end up there on accident. I had a whole yellow brick road of bad decisions that led me to Consequence City.

The thing about drugs and alcohol is they make terrible shepherds.

Yet here I am. Reminiscing on the Sodom and Gomorrah that used to be my life. Upset at God for letting things change. So what if I was doing wrong? So what if I knew that lifestyle had caused me more harm than good? So what if I’m reaping the repercussions as I type these very words? So what?

So I’m salty, that’s what.

I feel like Lot’s wife. Being pulled forward to some unknown destination, but looking back on all that is familiar. Wondering. Was it really that bad?

I know it’s no good to dwell on things God has seen fit to destroy. But knowing doesn’t always help. At least it doesn’t for me at this moment.

I’ve come to realize when the sweetness of present is salted with the bitterness of past, it loses its flavor. And I’m stuck living a flavorless life.

That’s why my word for today is: Apathy.

I have another word for today, but in honor of Sunday I’ll keep it to myself.

#lifesucks

*Rae

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50 thoughts on “Oh So Salty

  1. Interesting post… I can’t help but notice your hashtag at the end. Do you really feel that way? Granted, you seem to have had plenty of hardships for you to, but from what I’ve read of you so far- doesn’t seem right. Granted I know next to nothing- just strikes me as interesting. Hope life gets sweeter to balance out the salt!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Some days are easier than others. In this moment, I do feel that way. But moods are just the seasons of life. But I’m sure it’ll get sweeter. Can’t stay salty, forever lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand what you mean. We all have those days- wasn’t trying to impose something else on you!! Remember though- salt is a tasty seasoning when used in moderation. So maybe you’re just seasoning the pot right now for something super tasty later!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Rae,
    I’m just going to throw this out there– people who find themselves using and abusing substances are often people having experienced a painful past long before the drugs and/or alcohol…
    Have you worked through some of this with a licensed Counselor or Therapist?
    It wasn’t until my 20’s that I realized my brain didn’t work like most people’s seemed to. I was eventually diagnosed with complex PTSD. Unlike those with true biologically driven addictions, I was driven to drink myself stupid to escape the hell of being stuck in my overactive fight/flight/fright/fawn response. By working to identify the extent of the abuse I experienced from very young on, I was able to focus on mitigating my hair-trigger threat response, and Voila! Life started getting much better (ok, after it temporarily got worse), more flavorful, and I started to see how cruel I could be to myself. I’ve been healing and growing for over the past decade, and I can honestly say, I don’t blame myself for getting into the trouble I did. I’m very grateful for God stepping in and pulling me out of my self-destruction before I completely self-destructed. I was punishing myself for the transgressions of others, and our loving Father wasn’t going to allow me to continue to do that…

    If you want to chat more with me on the subject, please do not hesitate to email me: k.raechirho (at)gmail.com

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Super powerful and honest post.
    May I ask how old you are? Just asking because I used to be young..lol..honestly I used to be just like that..all you wrote and described. I’m 42 now, 3 kids, and 1 granddaughter. I will say this, I wasted way too many years on being down, being depressed, being salty..don’t do that. I was in counseling for a good 14 years, last session was May 2015. I read in another comment you were getting counseling…that’s so awesome! Do it now and don’t wait, there’s too much happiness to live. God bless you!! 😆❤👍☝💪

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you! And I’m in my 20s. I’ll take your advice! The reason I’ve avoided seeking treatment is because Bipolar disorder runs in my family and I’m scared I might have it. But at the same time, I know it’s better to address it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I know what that is like sister…my older son (19) also is bipolar. Nothing to be ashamed of at all. With God, prayer, and your faith, you got this. Own it girl! He’s with us all the time. I’ll be praying for you. 😆💪❤👍☝

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Eric says:

    You know, you said a lot of things that I wished I could say: an insight to your self that escapes my brain. I, too, am stuck with the past staring me down. Every time I make a little progress, my past comes back and demands attention and I fall back into bad behaviors. Thank you for showing me that I am not an isolated experience. With God’s help we can flourish in the present and discard our past.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for reading from my blog.

    I’ve enjoyed reading a number of your posts. Even the unenjoyable parts. I’m happy that you’re Christian. We share that. If you were Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Jainist, agnostic, or atheist, I’d respect that in you. I’m pleased to be corresponding with folk from these traditions. I’m probably a lousy evangelist. I simply think that if we don’t respect each other, this planet is not going to last long enough for us to learn one way together. Plus, frankly, I also like learning about other lively ways of understanding.

    What you write is funny, clear, clever, and raw. I wish that all of us could handle and express ourselves this way. We’d make so much headway and draw spiritually closer at the same time.

    I don’t know about Lot’s wife. I understand that pillars of salt are not uncommon in her region, though I think the reason goes beyond geography. Maybe she could not trust enough to keep it simple. Run. Keep going. Maybe it’s too easy to look back, especially when told not to. Apathy, as you say. An easy giving-in to the unchallenged parts of who we are.

    Thank you, again. I hope your week is all good surprise. If not, well, we know things can suck: not pretty or promising but actual. We can pray for each other, when there’s hardship and when there’s joy.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for your words, i agree about your view. It is easy looking back, isn’t it though? I guess it’s because we can see when we look back but the future is blurry.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hello Rae, What an honest post! believe me it does get better! Salt adds flavor to food and I see even in your salty post you have added flavor to someone’s life. So hang in there dear!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you! You’re absolutely right. It’s all about perspective and I’m starting to realize that salty isn’t bad. It’s just another one of life’s many spices.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Right?! I wish doctors gave us warnings on the day we’re born like, “Hey little baby. You’re new, so lemme just go over the disclaimer: life sucks. If you agree to these terms, sign here.” lol

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for your words. I’ve been ashamed of who I was for so long that I even began believing I was the person I wanted to be perceived as. Then God set me straight, so to speak lol. Now I realize that honesty is the most valuable thing in a Christian’s arsenal. Because the devil can’t work in truth.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. He made you right! I’m glad you’ve embraced the wonderful person you were meant to be. God bless and thanks for your comment!

    Like

  16. butterflyprincess2016 says:

    “I’ve come to realize when the sweetness of present is salted with the bitterness of past, it loses its flavor. And I’m stuck living a flavorless life.”

    That paragraph was powerful!!! I’m right with you too. I find myself being like Lot’s wife and looking back to the familiar when God is trying to take me out into the deep, into trust in Him.

    The past will never hold anything of importance that would make us not only look back but choose to forsake God and His will to travel back to that desolate place.

    Great post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Intriguing post, Rae. Using salt as a negative instead of the positive Christ intends it to be caught my attention. If the salt loses it’s savor, it is no longer salty. It’s bland. You are ministering to people even when you might feel you are not, touching lives. This is the salt of your life. And it is the result of your former life, bad or good. God uses those things to shape who we are, and make it possible for us to minister more effectively.

    I would agree you might want to seek out Christian counseling. I would seek out your local pastor and first, though. Most are trained in counseling and can do a lot to help.

    You have a powerful testimony to share, and you do it with a good flair for writing. May God bless your words to help others who are also struggling with their faith and purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Very honest and open. I love that about you, and because of that you are going to help more people genuinely. I must say also that i have found the comments on this post, contrary to my thoughts, very supportive. I have seen the Lord answer prayer and i have seen him, in moments that seemed like he was not responding. Those are my most depressing times i have had many moments. I have seen him mend families, open deaf ears, give jobs and employment, return loved ones, etc. But I get angry sometimes when I think about my past and some of the things I went through, when it didn’t seem like he was answering my prayers. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and I have to ask where is he? You answer my prayers for other people but not the one’s for myself. This is why I wrote, The Son of Nepal, Spiritual fantasy fiction.
    The hero journeyed and went through many trials to request a great deity to heal his fiancees blind eyes, but when he meets with the deity, he tells him that he is set aside from his birth to do some tasks and he must do them before returning home and healing his fiancee.

    Three years went past and he still hasn’t been reunited with his loved one, he is often sorrowful but knows the weight of his great call. This is where I know some Christians are, if not a lot of us. Today i can see something’s in the past that i thought God did not answer favourably, and guess what, It hurts to look back but at the same time, I’m super happy that i’m not in that situation no more, i think god was right because if i was still in that situation i would have taken my life. I wish i could share so much more with you on this. I love your boldness, your courage, you are awesome. I am very impressed to meet a fellow Christian far more braver than myself. I do not say this alone just to make you feel good, I say it as a truth,

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Thank you! Your fictional story sounds like it’d be a great read! I wouldn’t call myself brave. Just tired. Tired of pretending like I have any control in the grand scheme of life. Tired of acting. Lies and secrecy is hard work lol truth is just easier. I’m too lazy and life is too short to be playing the devil’s game lol. Be blessed! I know God has a very special purpose for you (:

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you, but I’m really not. God is awesome. Were it not for His intervention in my life, I’d be a mess. But i appreciate your comment, you’re pretty awesome too!

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Brace yourself lol.
    I remember many years ago I was a newlywed youth worker in my church, my marriage was not going well. I was working in a warehouse and taking home a, not so good pay. I regretted a lot of things in life at that point. Especially after you have been on a great honeymoon only to realise you won’t be able to do things like that again for a while.
    I remember one time my ex-wife rang me at work to complain about how much I earned, she said I was giving her a terrible life.
    I remember seeking a place of solitude to cry to the Lord, and I cried. There was a Gas and plumbing engineer in our local church and his apprentice left and decided not to go back. He was a nice humble man, but his apprentice described him as grumpy and miserable. Well we all have our faults, I called him and asked him about training me. He said I was too old, but I can come in, for a week and we will see from there. So I booked up my last holiday at my workplace in august for a trail with him.

    On the weekend before I started I remember pleading with the Lord for hours, please let me get this apprenticeship. Believe or not, in those days everyone wanted to be a plumber, because it was said that they earn 100 to 150k a year especially if they have their gas ticket. So you now have an idea how hard it would be to get on a course. That Sunday night before my trial week the Lord spoke to me in a dream. I was in a dark room, but there was a spotlight on a yellow builder’s safety helmet. Then I heard a voice, it was loud and resounding, like someone that spoke in an empty hall. It said, “I have trained many men to take care of their families and today I give you the trade of plumbing. I will anoint you to do the work and you will train others also, so that they may provide for their families.”
    It was something along those lines, lol. Well I started that week and the man loved me. He said I had to get on a course, but it will be extremely hard as there was a waiting list of five years. That was disheartening, but to cut a long story shorter, I was able to get on a course and get funding within two weeks. I did my apprenticeship and after a while my boss would set me some tasks. I thought, well I can take it on because the Lord has anointed me to do this job, loool. Because the Lord said he would anoint me, I thought I was going to get Zapped with this amazing Holy Spirit power, and get this amazing plumbing knowledge and furthermore amaze my new boss. And be like, “Yep, that’s the power my friend.”

    Truth is, I messed up big time, lots of times, and got told off lots of times. Between my boss and my problems at home, I was like a tennis ball. I had some serious down days, and some days I was majorly depressed almost to death. I remember getting told off at work and looking up to the sky and saying, “Anoint me, huh? Looks like I’ve been anointed to mess up.”
    It was very hard but guess what? I made it. Every time I wanted to quit there was someone there to tell me to continue and to encourage me. I was the best student on my course, because I studied really hard. Today I’m a fully qualified plumbing and gas tech of many years’ experience. When I had the dream I told the man, that was one of my best friends and he is a witness. I remember him saying, I can’t imagine you as a plumber bro” then he started to hum the super Mario brothers theme tune to be cheeky. Many years later, I trained him and others also, and by chance somehow they all got married or was married. I didn’t choose them; it was the way things had worked out.
    One of my closest friends reminded me of the dream, the same guy that hummed the super Mario theme, and he reminded me of what the Lord said when I was down and depressed, and it cheered me up a little.

    I have learned a valid lesson here, when the Lord freed the Children of Israel, it was just the beginning to what he had promised. There were many trials ahead, and many great loses before they came to the promised land, but they got there in the end. Today we must all journey until our promises are fulfilled, and I must be honest, contrary to what a lot of believers have said, it is no walk in the park. It’s hard, and life really does MEGA suck at times, but the Lord will deliver as promised.
    I just wrote this but i may save this for future use lol

    Liked by 2 people

  22. I love your posts. Raw and honest. When I read this I thought I’d the Israelites…they were freed from slavery, but missed the comforts of their bondage. At least they knew what to expect and what the Egyptian food tasted like. The promise land was scary, unfamiliar and uncharted territory for them, and they complained along the way. I get how you miss the old ways. There’s a creepy comfort in it. But what God has for you will be better than you are able to imagine yet. Ask Him for a taste for what’s to come. Some milk and honey. 😉

    Praying for you. Embrace it. It’s all a part of the process! You’re doing an amazing job walking it out. And I love to read about your journey in your blog posts.

    Blessings friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. That’s absolutely right about the Israelites. I appreciate your prayers, too. I sure need them. I know God has better plans for me, if He didn’t He wouldn’t have led me this far. God is not known for abandoning His people halfway. Thanks again for your comment! Blessings to you and yours!!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. J.J Sylvester,

    That was a touching testimony! I’m so glad it worked out for you in the end. I had no idea about the plumbing business being so lucrative during that time! The statement that touched my heart most was when your ex-wife said you were giving her a terrible life. That’s a lot to put on someone.

    But the Lord got you through 🙂 I love happy endings.

    Stay blessed,
    *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  25. controversialchristian1 says:

    Seems like I’m commenting on everything here, but I really like your blog. Most Christian blogs can be a little twee and/or boring. Your blog is very readable and interesting. I find that in suffering, what becomes important are those things that really matter, and we are, so to speak, down to brass tacks. In other words, sometimes God has to allow us to suffer so that we see what is truly important in life, and what isn’t really important.

    I used to binge drink with my mates, and although I don’t drink now, and certainly would never get drunk again in any normal circumstance, I can’t deny that I loved getting blitzed now and again, loved bar hopping and when I was drunk I was generally amiable and good fun. I have no particular deep held guilt about this but at the same time I have moved on. God only calls sinners, after all ….

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Contro,

    I love your comments, so feel free to comment as often as you like. I’m really glad you enjoy my blog. I’m no Biblical scholar. I have no formal training. If I tried to blog about the Bible of Christianity academically… I’d be out of my league- and believe me, everyone would know it. But I still want to share my faith. All I have to contribute is my own thoughts and personal spiritual journey. God gives us all that much. And you’re absolutely right! If it wasn’t for our hardships, I don’t think we could have an authentic relationship with God. In the sense that, how can we see how we feel about our God when we aren’t happy? It’s where faith shines. When everything else is striped away (just like you said). I am really happy to hear you overcame your drinking. Liquor is a demon all on its own. I can tell by your comments that you have nurtured a faith that’ll see you through more than most people think possible. Thanks again for your comments! I’d respond more but this past week has been stupid crazy. God bless, though!

    *Rae

    Like

  27. We cherish happiness but happiness is cheap. Anyone can go to a shop and buy some chocolate. It’s mood-elevating. But how can one buy a heartache? We can’t buy that.

    God asks us to rend our hearts but we can’t do it on our own so He provides us with people who break our hearts and abuse us.

    Treasure that.

    Treasure the bad times of your life. They’re special. Very special.

    They’re holy.

    Heartaches and depression can only come from God. Learn to thank God for giving you grief. He only gives tears to those whom He blesses.

    For all my married life of 12 years, I suffered extreme depression. Anti-deppresants used to make me bipolar, which is worse than depression. Finally, I found a med that worked for me: Rivotril, an anti-convulsant.

    Three times I tried to kill myself due to my wife’s abuses. The only time I made a successful attempt, she bloody rushed me to a hospital and I was saved.. for a while.

    Then my wife restarted her mental and emotional torture. I’ll write about my long journey and my wife’s mysterious reasons to torture me. If you keep an eye on my blog, I’ll give a lot of details.

    My depression starts in April 2001, but currently, I’m logging events in 1995.

    It’s a long way to April, 2001, but it’ll come.

    Meanwhile, why not enjoy my romantic adventures?

    And I appreciate all comments, including criticism. I’m trying to improve my English and your helps. Please keep writing, I’m an addict of Rae substance 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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