Does It Ever Get Better?

I’ve received so many encouraging words from all of you regarding my post, “I said, ‘No.’” And I appreciate your support more than I can eloquently put in words. Some of you have shared your own stories that have touched my heart. We’re in this thing called life together.

But that is, by far, my rawest post. I still cringe when I read it. Like sprinkling salt on an open wound.

I talk a good game. I put on an even better show.

If we met in the streets, you’d never know my life was anything but perfect because that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

Appearances, appearances, appearances.

I’m starting to learn just how fragile appearances are. Yesterday was a good day. I was happy for most of it.

Happy for me is gliding along the thin ice of contentment. Just below that ice is a frozen slush of depression. Where mental and emotional anguish lurks- waiting for an opportunity to surface.

And it takes very little to crack the ice. It can be something as simple as seeing a happy traditional family (aka a cruel reminder of what I don’t have) to references or scenes of sexual assault.

Then I slip.

So I was gliding along in my contentment. Good job, great coworkers, work almost done, and a big warm bed waiting for me at home.

And I hear news on the Stanford Rape Case in the background: Rape. College.

I slip. The ice cracks.

I go from  🙂  to  😐  in an instant.

Then between clocking out to coming home:  😦  to  😥

And then I’m submerged in the body-numbing heart-stopping icy waters of depression.

All I can think about in the moments of sleeping pills, shower and bed is, “Does it ever get better?” What if this is how it’ll always be?

Me trying to convince myself I’m not a second-rate version of the person I used to be. Trying to believe that I’m not condemned to a sub-par existence.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jim’s and my baby more than anything in the world. I don’t see her as a consequence, I see our Nugget as my rainbow after the storm. Like God’s covenant with Noah. A reminder that there is hope and a future.

And more than anything I want to give her an untarnished life. A life that isn’t besmirched by the sins of her parents. I owe my baby that much.

I’m trying to co-parent with Jim as best I can.

I just… hate him.

I know, I know. Hate is a strong word. And I don’t throw that out lightly. I know Christ forgives him. Jim told me he has made peace with the Lord and that’s what’s important.

I *know* but I still feel… ugh.

I wish I could snort a few lines of forgiveness and be done with it. If only life was as simple as that. If only pain and suffering was a fix away from being fixed.

Anyone who has ever battled addiction is already a master of appearances. We don’t feel pain, we mask it. Because the suffering we mask is a hideous monster that appears almost too powerful to be destroyed.

I’m ashamed.

I’d love to be able to type, “I’m so secure in my faith that I never get hung up on nothing. I forgive easy peasy and without delay.” But that’d be a lie.

Do I believe God can solve any problem? Yes.

I’m still human, though. And there are moments of weakness when I come face-to-face with my monster and instead of taking that pain to Christ. I run to my bottle of sleeping pills. To ignore it. For one more night. Prolonging the inevitable.

Here I am, the next morning. And *surprise, surprise* the pills didn’t fix anything.

They never do.

You’d think I’d have learned by now. That I’d be the clever hamster who gets off the wheel and stays off. But nope. #addiction

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-Albert Einstein

Does it ever get better?

God, I hope so!

*Rae

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60 thoughts on “Does It Ever Get Better?

  1. Yes. It does get better. I have been where you are right now. I know exactly how easily it is to slip back into and be submerged in pain. You have to trust me on this, it will not always be this way. And you need to read these next words carefully: it’s not your fault that you feel this way right now. Sexual assault, rape– it hurts us so deeply that we cannot possibly process all of it at any one time. It comes in waves, it is intense as the waves wash over you. Try not to resist them. As opposite as it may seem, observe your pain. Feel all of it. And you will find it slowly lessen. It’s a process. A slow, miserable process. I wish it were possible to avoid going through it, but it will stay with you until you do. Honoring your grief and observing your pain is the only way back to contentment.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. thoughtcascadeblog says:

    Yes and no. Speaking from experience of my own sexual assaults, nyquil love, and my desire to go out and get stinking drunk. Many times I go to prayer and I can feel the Holy Spirit tell me, some day all of this will make sense. The fact that you keep getting up and turning to Him is proof. One less time using than what it used to be is progress.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I ask myself this too. There are days where it is better, but I don’t think that the sadness ever really goes away when experiencing something traumatic. There are reminders or triggers everywhere. You just have to keep your faith. There is a book titled THE SHACK that helps me put things into perspective when I am feeling low.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I wrote a post this past week about how the suffering of Christ redeems our own experience of suffering. A lot of American Christianity glosses over Christ’s suffering. I think that’s a mistake. The Christian path isn’t one of constant feelings of peace and contentment– there are storms. There is pain. We cling to God anyway, because God knows our human pain.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. controversialchristian1 says:

    This is real life. Well done. SO many people hide behind some kind of mask. God may have to reduce us to the reality that we are absolutely helpless in the face of the crazy world we live in, and for many of us, the crazy upside down emotional whirlpool many of us go through, too.

    Suffered with addiction, struggled against it and caught up in the seeming neverending hamster wheel that it was, Right in the eye of the storm I thought it would never go, But it has, The obsession is over. But I have to be vigilant.

    Suffered with severe emotional distress and long bouts of depression, too. And going through a healing process now, which is seeing the end of chronic fatigue which has plagued me for fifteen years.

    The big fear that eats away at all of us Christians who suffer beyond, or almost beyond the capacity of what we can bear is ‘Can God Heal Me of This?’ We fear asking that question or even thinking it, and much less of simply asking God. Nothing in this world will take away that pain, no drug, drink, material possession, success, sexual encounter, NOTHING. So, in our desperation and fear, we reach out to God. Is your depression bigger than God? Or is God bigger than you can imagine? Why is God concerned with trailer park people, or people who grew up down back alleys strewn with dog mess and dirt? Ask Him!

    I’ll say a prayer for you.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Thanks for sharing. Didn’t have the time yet to read your posts except for a few, and so I’m quite surprised to find out these things about you.

    Anyway, I hope that things will start getting better in your life. It may take a while, but I pray that it will. Otherwise, why are we hoping on God in the first place, if he can’t heal hurts like this? 🙂

    Perhaps what you need is to experience more of God’s love, you know. Become his lover, like I am. Though not the same as yours, I had my own hurts, and that was the only solution possible for me — the sweet and warm love of Jesus to fill and heal all the dark and lonely places in my heart.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I agree with that, too. I know there’s a reason to it all. That one day, I’ll look back and it’ll make sense. But I’m too close to the pain to view it objectively. Thank you for your comment. It does help knowing there are others who been through it.

    Liked by 5 people

  8. My opinion is that when you’re in it, you’re in it until you’re not in it. When people say stuff like, “Why hope in God if he can’t heal us?,” I think, it’s not about OUR healing, it’s not about who we want God to be or what we want him to do. When the pain doesn’t go when I cry out to God and the supernatural joy doesn’t wash over me, I always remember Lazarus dying at the gate of the rich man. It just is what it is. The important thing is to keep turning to Jesus in good times and bad times. And even though it shouldn’t matter, counting-my-blessings, grasping-the-gratefulness keeps me going sometimes. The only blessing that Lazarus had was a relationship with God. Plus, for myself personally, God tried the prosperous thing with me – it didn’t work, I didn’t turn to God in the good times. So I am grateful for the pain that keeps me turning to Him. I tell Him all the time, “I get it now, bring on the prosperity, I will still turn to you Lord.” Promises, promises.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Keep taking it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. Before long you’ll be looking back at the mountain you thought you were to weak to claim. You are more then an overcome because you’re still here and you’re still fighting. The Lord is holding you up beloved and He will see you through.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Rae,

    For the past several days I have had every intention of dropping you a line to say thanks for the likes that you posted on my blog. Today, when I read your post I was deeply touched by your candor and raw honesty as you shared from the depths of your soul. In response to your question, “Does it ever get better?” Be assured that it will. David, a man after God’s own heart, a man who had probed the depths of depression and escaped from the caverns of desperation and despair, acknowledged that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Out of the depths of his soul, he cried out to God, and God delivered him. No matter how dark the night, it will get better.

    I don’t know if you have heard this one word musical response, this lively declaration by Hezekiah Walker, but it answers the question that you asked: “Better!” Here is a link to a song that I think you would appreciate at this point in your life:

    Thanks again for the “likes” on Dr. J’s Apothecary Shoppe.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. It is great how you can take something as simple as a moment in your day that changed your mood drastically and write a compelling article about it. “Does it ever get better?” is a question a lot of Christians ask and the answer is yes. We know this because God gives us assurance of it in his word. So the real question is, “when does it get better?” That answer varies from person to person but When hardships arise remember this, “I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 corinthians 12:7-10)

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Your honesty is appreciated and prayerfully that heals someone else and in turn heals you. We need more people willing to be transparent about their pain. THATS where I have found my healing to come from. You’ll be in my prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. This is true it is when we try to forget that we get submerged further in. Allow yourself to feel. You are more than your emotions. I too have been there. It gets better.

    Liked by 4 people

  14. I’d just love to give you a huge grandfatherly hug and sit on some comfy arm chairs (couch or floor pillows) and “talk it out.” I know that wouldn’t fix it, but I’d sure hope to improve your experience — life, a bit.
    Hang in in there, I’m praying for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Greg says:

    It will get better. I could give you my words but I think the words of God are better:
    10 Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

    11 Behold, all they that are incensed against thee shall be put to shame and confounded: they that strive with thee shall be as nothing, and shall perish.

    12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contend with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.

    13 For I, Jehovah thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. —Isaiah 41:11-13 ASV

    Maybe these verses aren’t completely applicable to this situation, but it is enough to help. God’s promises can truly help you see that it will get better, if not in this world, then in the new one. Your posts really touched me personally. I kind of am similar in at least how you feel (like pills). My actions in the past aren’t quite so godly and wasn’t abuse but something more of a person who is not so godly. You seem to resonate what a true Christian goes through, because some people think of Christians as self righteous and people who never seem to suffer and don’t realize that we suffer and go through problems as well. You are in my prayers and I hope you see the silver lining.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I don’ t think “it” gets better. We just learn how to deal with “it” in a more mature and constructive way. And then that spiritual awakening kicks in and, although “it” really hasn’t changed much, your way of dealing with “it” has become unbelievably beautiful and spiritual. You express your inner self very nicely. Keep the faith.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. The human part of me says, no, it doesn’t get better (because I’ve been having a bad day). The spirit-filled part of me says, yes, of course.

    I suppose we have to bear some pains, especially those of the past. It gets better for the human and the spiritual part, I think. Forgiveness, yes, that’s crucial. But most times that shouldn’t lead to allowance of what caused the hurt. Maybe that’s living on the edge, like the ice of contentment. Though forgiveness gets deeper and more secure–even, amazingly, ordinary. We simply have to be careful not to set ourselves up for more or renewed pain. I mean, what do I know. I find myself learning from you.

    Your thoughts and feelings relate! Thank you for sharing them.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I’m a new comer to your blog so I may say something stupid but- the very idea that you want better for your child, and you are trying for real; is what truly matters. We can’t be perfect. We can’t counteract every little thing but in trying, in struggling for better we show our kids we love them.

    From what I understand, Jesus never went through all the things we did, he saw it. He understood it. He ministered to those who did.He knows your concerns and wants your burdens. So lay them on him. Let him take all these feelings and ask him to continue to guide you. It seems to me, already, you are making steps towards better. Knowing your weakness and acknowledging the pain of the past is a strength to change the future.

    Me too girl, me too!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I lived for some 12 years with a strange woman who had tricked me into marrying her but then started fighting me for no apparent reason.

    She was a very kind girl so she first warned me she was going to fight me. I tried to dissuade her but failed. I tried to love her with all my heart & soul but failed. She won. Hate won.

    I’m a pacifist (coward) so I tried to kill myself several times but she saved me. I tried to run away but she stopped me. She then taught me how to fight back. A step-by-step instruction in the art of domestic violence!

    Weird woman, wasn’t she?

    When she thought I was going to burn her (I was just trying to scare her into returning my stolen ID and documents), she shut the door of my apartment on my face, left me out with no money like an abandoned dog.

    9 months later, I saw a dream and realized that all that misery was actually a great story that God had blessed me with to explain Adam & Eve’s story. A demonstration to show the only way to Women Rights and hence, World Peace.

    Think of Joseph in the prison in Egypt. God killed any hope in him before He saved Him.

    We humans believe in salvation through money or some other materialistic help (idolatry) but God saves by the blood & Spirit so it’s good to kill our hopes first.

    Anti-deppresants and drugs aren’t going to save you but God is going to save you when time comes, not before that, not later than that.

    And He will save you by blood and the Spirit. He is already bleeding you, isn’t He?

    You’ll be healed when you’ll see that all this misery was a necessary part of a great, beautiful plan. Please keep writing, your wounds heal many.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. Powerful and so honest Rae. It does change, in Gods timing.nwe find ourselves to run out of patience when we want the pain to end. Keep your head I, and keep praying through it.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Your blood is good for people to drink. It’s good that you’re bleeding. People who are thirsty can come and drink.

    God is slowly transforming you into a “vampire”. Your blood today breathed life and helped reduce my depression.

    Usually, sad stories make me cry but your story is strange. It gives me hope. It gives me life. Can’t wait to read more :).

    In the meanwhile, can I ask you a favor? Can you go see my “Adam & Eve” post and give me honest, detailed feedback and also tell me if there’s a Comments section on my post? Every friend and relative whom I told that story, ran away without giving me any feedback.

    They just go silent and run away. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong.

    Liked by 3 people

  22. controversialchristian1 says:

    My chronic fatigue really deteriorated at the start of this year and it has never been worse. What I can also say, is that I have dug into my faith and really focussed on the Lord, and turned my back on addiction and other sundry irrelevancies, the suffering has at times got worse. Now, I am talking about CFS here, which for me includes a lot of horrible symptoms including muscle pain and aches, headaches, overwhelming nausea, joint pain, unpleasant tiredness and fatigue without exertion, feeling rundown as if I have the flu most times, stomach pains, reactionary depression and to top it all off, a big problem sleeping and waking up after a few hours feeling wretched.

    In the natural, I would despair mightily, but with God’s assurances I know this won’t last forever. I see the first fruits of healing now. My pal said two things to me: ask God for the truth behind this suffering if there is anything He is trying to tell me, and try to get right with my (painful) past. I don’t focus so much on my illness and shortcomings, I try to focus on the Lord. Of course, I ask for healing too, and I ask for my mum and my friends to be healed. Selfishly, I would have only thought of myself. In my desperate pain, when all seems bleak and lost, He had made me focus on others.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. controversialchristian1 says:

    One of the greatest gifts the Lord has given me is honesty. It seems we are drawn to honest people, whether we agree with them or not. God’s truth is even irresistible to ‘dyed in the wool’ atheists. Hahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. YES!!! Whenever I blog I always think, “Okay, girl, if you’re gonna do this- do it right. You don’t have much to offer anyone but honesty and authenticity. You can do that much.” Followed immediately by, “Lord, please don’t let me type anything that’ll make a fool of me or have you shaking your head in shame.” If the Lord has blessed you with honesty, USE IT! It’s the one tool the devil despises. But you seem to have an amazing grasp on that concept already.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I’m sorry to hear about your chronic fatigue. Chronic anything is tough, I can’t even imagine having fatigue on a regular basis 😥 I am happy to hear you cling to the Lord, though! I’d tell you He’s the most important thing but I figured you already know that 😉 The symptoms sound awful! I’m glad you’re seeing the healing process begin, though. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. ceponatia says:

    I don’t know your background and I’m not a Christian so I can only offer up what I’ve learned in my own battle with addiction. The biggest thing that helped me, and probably saved my life, was focusing on what I wanted to become rather than what had put me where I am. It sounds like you already basically know that and are making a lot of progress. I’m sorry you have days like that but knowing what they do to you and learning to push through it is half the battle, I think. Your strength and honesty is inspirational, I hope to do the same for someone else in the future. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I love your honesty! God loves it too! How can we help anyone else if we keep wearing mask,and trust me we are all good at it. It’s tough right now But God will bring you out Whole and Stronger, that’s what He does because He loves you so very much! I love you Sister so glad you stopped by my blog ! I’ve suffered so much down through the years and through the cursing and drinking and deep depression God brought me now I’m whole and stronger and your Due Time will come🙌🙌😀😀🙌🙌

    Liked by 1 person

  28. My help came from, lying down alone in a peaceful place with no time worries, closing eyes in prayer and walking through all memories from the earliest on up with the Holy Spirit, he “leads us into all truth.” Each painful situation that he shows you, visualize handing it and those involved over to God and by faith, thank him for his healing touch in return.

    Every attack after that, you can be certain God has it, declare that out loud and refuse to give the memories and feelings any place in your mind, the attacks will get less and less. “Resist the devil and he will flee.”

    It takes a while, but we can get control of our thoughts and change from going there. After a few steps forward and a few back, one day, you will be amazed to look back at how long you have been free from your torment.
    God’s Love and Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I like the rawness in your post. Thank you sharing. I’ve hated God, thought He was a bully, but ultimately I think it is the journey back that helps renew us. It sucks. It hurts us. Truth is, we will end it with many scars. I hope things ease up for you and the wounds start to scab over. God bless

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I haven’t read all of the comments so I don’t know if anyone has mentioned the wonderful Jack Nicholson movie, “As Good as it Gets.” In it, he asks the waiting room full of patients at his psychiatrists office, “What if this is as good as it gets?”

    Aside for it boing a wonderfully acted movie, there is so much wisdom in it.

    I am going to post a piece tonight or tomorrow on two of my practices that keep me out of emotional trouble, but I will tell you one here. I wrote on it yesterday: that of laying all of my troubles (memories, hurt feelings, slights, anger, fear, etc. in an imaginary hamper at the feet of Jesus. Then leaving it there. I do this every time I find myself ruminating over past traumas, unkind words from my children, injustices from coworkers, rude drivers, bad dreams, fearful news, etc.

    I recommend it….and the3 movie.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. It does get better. The past is history. tomorrow is not guaranteed so you have to enjoy the now.

    I might recommend a book to you. The Power of Now. It is good to help you focus on now and not dwell on the past. One step at a time. You can do this. You are stronger than you know you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. The True Light! says:

    The world will always be “the world.” It will always be bad and fallen and full of people who are simply evil. We must accept that fact. It has been that way since the beginning…

    The answer is to develop an attitude of looking for and concentrating on the good you see and hear of. If the news depresses you, turn it off. If a friend is discussing things which “crack your ice,” get away from them, or at least change the subject.

    Remember the words of the Lord in (James 4:8)…”Come near to the Lord and He will come near to you…” Develop the habit of casting all cares and worries on Him in prayer and then leave them at His feet. He’s in charge of all that happens anyway, and His will is done in everything.

    He does many things and allows certain circumstances to take place in life for reasons we don’t know about at times. But we have His promise that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord. Don’t be so concerned with the bad you see and hear about in this world. As I said before, things must happen in God’s way and time.

    Get under His wing of protection and stay there! As your faith in His love grows, your anxiety about worldly affairs should decrease. Delight in His love, both now and for the eternal future!

    Steve

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Good question. I cannot let this opportunity go. As a father of a daughter abused by a relative and working on rebuilding her, and myself, I have some observable thoughts. The answer to the question is yes and no. We have to understand the limitations in this fallen world that sin of other effect us every day, but some sins are so haunting that they will never leave us this side of heaven. God can heal, and sometimes does, but usually He uses our experiences to shape and mold us. My focus for my daughter and myself is to use what has happened to minister to others. We both also suffer from bipolar disorders that makes life really challenging, and again makes us useful in ministry. If you look through history the really big people of faith suffered tremendously and have often, after much time, thanked God for their experience and ministry. I am getting close to blogging in this direction and your sharing may help me get there. One great source outside the Bible that I would recommend is the book “If God is Good” by Randy Alcorn. It is quite lengthy, but worth the read. My prayers go out to you. Do not beat yourself up. Grow. Use this. Encourage others. And keep it real.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I just want to start of by saying my heart goes out to you! I understand the struggle with Bipolar Disorder all too well. It’s about as common a trait in my family as brown hair. I cannot imagine how you must feel as the father, though. I pray God gives the both of you strength. And you’re absolutely right! And about how long is that book? Length is no issue if the content is good. And Lord knows I could use something more stimulating than the Sunday paper cartoons and a fb feed. God bless!
    *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Steve,

    You’re right on all those points. I’ll tell you what, when it’s all said and done I think I can honestly say (as I’m sure every one will agree) that I won’t miss this world AT. ALL! It’s so frustrating sometimes and easy to get caught up in all the pain you’re correct. God does things His own way and He has good plans for those who love Him. I don’t always like how He let’s things unfold. But I don’t doubt for a minute that His plans are perfect.

    Thanks for your comment and that beautiful reminder!

    *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  36. The True Light! says:

    Such a wonderful and “on point” reply, Rae! I couldn’t add a thing to it, so I won’t even try.

    Thank you so much for your visits and support here, and enjoy your day. May God love and keep you in His arms…

    Steve

    Liked by 1 person

  37. transformergirl says:

    Rae,
    Thank you for being so raw and honest about your experiences and feelings. I haven’t been specifically where you are, but have struggled with things on my own journey. I have to believe that it will get better at some point because we have a good and faithful heavenly Dad. I will be praying for you.
    -Robin

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Paul the self-appointed apostle talked a good game and put on a great show.
    Are you following him, or following Jesus of the Gospels, who said that God created us male and female and that He came to fulfill the Law and the Prophets, not abolish them?

    BOSS PAUL THE PHARISEE
    [sing it to the tune of “Rapture” by Blondie]

    I’m Boss Paul, the Pharisee
    My hypocrisy’s plain for the world to see
    I travel the land and travel the sea
    to make a convert who is just like ME

    “All have sinned” – we know that’s true
    but it never means ME – it only means YOU
    My sins are all theoretical
    “I’m the worst of sinners”- but don’t ask where

    To be more like Jesus is what some strive
    except for me – I’ve already arrived
    I’m the perfect model since the road to Damascus
    What were Paul’s sins? Don’t ask us!

    I justify everything I do
    If I testify about myself it MUST be true
    I’m the only man in all history
    whose testimony doesn’t need two or three

    If I did something it MUST be right
    Don’t use the Scripture to shed any light
    Don’t do as I say, do as I do
    and then you can be a Pharisee too.

    Like

  39. The book is 503 pages long. It goes from apologetic, to Bible understanding, to application. Best book that covers to spectrum of issues related to evil, pain, and suffering I have ever read. My daughter is in it now and I recommend it to many I have the opportunity to share with. I am currently in Alcorn’s book “Happiness” and it is a great book to follow up with, but it is more academic in style.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I could imagine how difficult it must be to share how you’ve been feeling, much less to experience. Your ability to write from the heart is really wonderful, especially to those going through similar stuff. I’m not a Christian in the strict church-going sense (moar like a spiritual mutt 😋), but I do wish for you and your loved ones to feel all the love that Christ intends for us. take care. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  41. “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” – Maya Angelou

    “We don’t feel pain, we mask it.” Ditto, we all mask pain in different ways and no one is exempt from the pain life brings. It seems so subtle at first. We even go so far as to say well at least it’s not blah, blah, blah, trying to compare our poison over the next person’s to make ourselves feel better. I believe a mask is a mask whether that mask be drugs, shopping, sex, work, neglect, gluttony, etc. One of the most important steps for me was to be honest with myself, forget about everyone else, that will come if need be. The truth like you stated above, is that our belief systems are vital.

    –W38

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Hi Rae, I stopped by to thank you for stopping by Boxx Banter and to read a few of your blog posts. I hadn’t gotten very far when it became apparent to me that you have suffered some trauma. I have too, but from a different source. And I struggle with depression and anxiety which like to tag along with PTSD. Maybe you have achieved the trifecta of mental health conditions as well? Regardless, I wanted to toss something out which you may or may not be familiar with for your consideration. In the hopes that it is a treatment you are unfamiliar with that may be helpful to you, I’m tossing this out there. Have you heard of a trauma therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)? If not, it may help you to get beyond those triggers. You can google it to find out more and even watch YouTube videos to see how it is done. It is not traditional talk therapy. I do know several people who have benefited from it and I have as well. On the other hand, I also believe that all healing is a process and that as much as we’d like to fast forward through the process we make our way through it as we practice strategies and face our emotions (which, let’s face it, is not always easy to do and escapism be it sleeping pills or distractive mind engaging behaviors like reading – my personal choice – become our choice from time to time or for seasons of time). But I also believe that there is a spiritual component we can’t ignore and aside from cooperating with the Holy Spirit by pray ting those strategies, all we can do is wait on the Lord. I think it’s not something that happens because of our efforts but as a result of the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. If we could fix ourselves what would we need God for? I say all this because I want to encourage you not to beat yourself up for the times a sleeping pill is your choice. I wouldn’t ever encourage you to make them a habit, but if on occasion you need to delay processing emotions unexpectedly triggered, grant yourself a bit of grace. And remind yourself, that when you can’t pray or feel as if your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, the Holy Spirit is interceding on your behalf before the Father. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you can rest because the Holy Spirit is at work even if you can’t see the outward evidence of it. I hope one day soon you can look back and see in hindsight what is so hard to see in the hear and now. God has always been at work and you have made progress and there is hope not just that things will get better but that you will find complete healing. Thanks for sharing and being refreshingly authentic! Gods blessings on you, Rae!

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  43. I think sometimes as a christain we feel like we can’t be feeling this intense emotional pain. Like it makes us oppose our faith. But trying to not feel what you feel is worse. Feel it. Be honest with God about it. Don’t run from it. Slapping a bandaide on it only works for awhile. But its still there. Its a long process. But in the end God will use your pain to reach someone else going through the same thing. And your going to be better and stronger!

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  44. Rae, dunno where you are Now…mentally physically spiritually, etc. but Yes it get’s better….as much as you would seek that ‘feel good’ feeling… I urge you to find at least one person… and many more as necessary to help you walk this thing out…. we can not walk life out by ourselves.. with Christ we are not alone..(we know this)… but I urge you to fight any desires to isolate and you throw yourself at those women who are being and doing everything you aspire to be and do in Christ. Our lives are fresh… enemy may want you to feel like our lives are ending… but that’s a lie… get with those LADIES… I STRESSSS… LADIES.. (Upstanding Proactive Women who love the Lord, etc.) That can show you the love you need in shaking you into a Newness you have never experienced before…. God’s mercies are new everyday. Be encouraged!!!! It is better NOW…in the name of Jesus…. Intentionally attach yourselves to these women and Encourage Growth!

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