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I’ve been seeing a counselor, Bethany, for about a month. I like her. She is helping me work through my emotions.

My counselor also referred me to a psychiatrist, Dr. Kumar. I like him, too. He prescribed me some low dose antidepressants based on Bethany’s assessment.

My official diagnosis is ‘severe depression’ and ‘unipolar disorder.’

I’ve been on antidepressants for about 2 weeks. Dr. Kumar told me it would take a few days before I felt the benefits. Some days I think the medicine is a godsend. Other days, I think the pills are just a placebo.

Anyway.

At my last counseling session, Bethany asked me to evaluate the topics that led me spiraling into depression. Thoughts that are so powerfully negative, they cripple me.

So I made a list.

  1. Being a single parent.
  2. Missed opportunities.
  3. Remembering how my daughter was conceived.
  4. Knowing I’ll never have the family I wanted.
  5. Knowing my daughter’s father will never have to face any consequences for his actions.

The items on my Sad List make me feel indignant and helpless. And without fail, these thoughts thrust me into the depths of depression. Every. Single. Time.

So why do I even think about these things? Why do I completely disregard Philippians 4:8?

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

Because depression is like Jim, seductive.

Not aggressive.

It’s gentle at first.

I feel in control so it seems okay.

When I finally realize how bad it is- it’s too late.

And just like with my Jim encounters, after a particular bad episode of depression I feel wholly accountable… and entirely helpless.

*Rae

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