Shades of Gray

We laugh, smile, pretend it’s okay.

Like my trust you didn’t betray.

You text, “I care,” to my dismay,

I want to believe your display,

The gentle care bear you portray.

“Just for one night,” you ask to stay.

“I know you, though,” so I delay.

“Past is past, I’m different today.”

You come on soft, I start to sway.

Next thing I know, you’re on the way.

And I’m a feminine cliché,

Living my life in shades of gray.


27 thoughts on “Shades of Gray

  1. Hello Rae,

    I believe that we are not sinners through inheritance of Adam’s sin – God could never be so unjust! Also, like many other Christians, I prefer the belief that God created us some 200, 000 years ago and there was no Garden of Eden etc.

    My views shared by many Christians who are not Fundamentalist and not dependent on the Bible for their faith, allow me and people like me to love myself as I love my neighbour. I have deliberately reversed the essence of the second great commandment to illustrate a point: we are innately good as God created us to be good. We are only sinners during the time while we are sinning. When we act according to our nature, as God configured us to be good, we can only act in a good and Godly way!

    The evil in the world is caused by corruptions in our configurations like computers can be infected by a virus. God has allowed this to happen and the challenge for us is to fix these corruptions. Believing ourselves to be sinners and the inevitable result of Original Sin is both wrong and unhelpful, just as people with low self-esteem, perpetually underperform at work and to live unfulfilled lives.

    There is no divine purpose for our suffering; it is merely the consequence of our bad behaviour. Like bad Karma comes back to us; sometimes immediately, other times much later. Bad behaviour only causes pain; good when done truly altruistically, only causes good, although it can turn bad when other people, perhaps out of jealousy, interject to disrupt the good that would have ensued.

    There is no blessing in suffering; we only feel better from the relief of the absence of the cause of our suffering in the same way as we feel better if we have had to hold our water and finally get to the bathroom to relieve ourselves – this is natural. God has equipped us with what we need; we should allow ourselves to act according to our nature.

    If you are still in doubt, you may wish to read the testimony of Pan with whom I had a discussion on 500Qs website:

    Pan says:
    June 21, 2016 at 2:11 PM

    As I have said I do not mean to offend, I myself have had a very hard live, my father was a soldier and did some horrible things in the name of his country because of this he drank a lot, and he abused my brother, my mother and myself. On one of these nights where he became so drunk he hung my mother by her feet from the 10th story from the flats balcony where we lived. I was 4 my brother was 6, both me and my brother tried to stop him, he knocked my brother unconscious and he kicked me away. I started crying and he pulled my mother back up and started apologising.

    There were some days that we thought that we would die, but we never did. He was not a bad man but the horrible things that he had done warped his mind ultimately. He passed away when I was 6, he never amended his will, my grandparents took everything from us, and we were left with nothing. My mother’s parents wrote her off when she married my father and she had no family that we could turn to. My father’s
    parents never wanted my father to marry my mother either and never saw us as
    part of the family. We had no one to go to. People from a Christian church helped us, my mother worked hard to provide for us and we started going to church, none of it was ever easy, there where nights when she would not eat so that we could. But every time we were faced with the most difficult of situations my mother would pray and ask for help. We received our help, a car was donated to my mother through the church so that she could get to work.

    Things were going well and we were happy. My mother then ran into someone that
    she knew from her past. We stopped going to church, my mother spend less time
    with God and more time with this man, after two years they got married. This
    man abused me and my brother yet again, we were sent off to boarding school and
    eventually, my mother caught this man in bed with another man, she was heartbroken.

    She was trying to divorce this man, but he would not have it. We were stuck in
    a very bad situation again, things were going horribly, my mother tried to commit suicide. She was saved by one of her friends. The man that she married tried to use this against her to take me and my brother away from her. Once again the people who had helped us in the binning helped us. My mom was granted her divorce, we started going to church again, things where slowly getting better again. My mother never wanted another man in her life after that, but then she met a man that loved God with all his heart, this man adopted me and ccmy brother, he never wanted any other children because we were enough. He is the best father that I could ever have asked for. Even if I look back now I have no hate for any of the people in my past. Every time that we truly needed help God was there.

    If all this had not happened, we would have never met my dad, it made my faith stronger, not weaker. I was one of those children who suffered, I had cracked bones and black and blue bruises every week. I have every right to question God but I don’t need to. I know that if I did not have the life I had then I would never be where I am now, that also does not mean that because my mom turned away from God that she was punished. She made the wrong decisions and ignored warnings from people who had her best interests at heart. We all suffered the consequences of that.

    “There is no need to imagine that God may have a grand plan and that we mere mortals cannot see things from His perspective – this is putting ourselves in a box! If you believe that God has revealed Himself in the scriptures, then, as you’ve said, you will find Him showing that He is wrathful, vengeful and jealous, but these are human traits, not godly sones.”

    You are mistaken to say that we would put ourselves in a box, on the contrary I
    am able to help more people and also understand their pain and relate. I have
    extreme companion for those in need and would not have that if I had lead an easy life. “But these are human traits,” We were created in Gods image, meaning they are also traits that describe God.

    “And they do not do good deeds to avoid eternal damnation,” see this is the key, you should do good because, it is good. Not because you fear what will happen if you don’t. You should want to be good for your own accord. So as to not inflict suffering on others that is what God wants.

    As for the seed you would have to study the tree to find out that the seed has to be in the ground to grow or someone would have to teach you. If there are things we do not understand we are not meant to just accept them but ask and we will be answered, seek and we will find. God also wants us to search for Him to learn as much as possible to find Him.

    dinoconstant says:
    June 21, 2016 at 11:06 PM

    Hello Pan!

    What a conversation we are having and thank you for sharing your grim life experiences.

    As I said in my previous post, it is a great responsibility to raise children. I do not mean to cause offence, but it wasn’t helpful of your mother to introduce you to further grief with another man from her past. Also, you suffered enough from your biological father and there was no need for further suffering to shape you into the person you are.

    The good experience you have received from the church that you attend and from your current father may be more important in shaping who you are than all the grief you suffered. The church that you attend, is it evangelical? Do you believe that the Bible is God-breathed and inerrant in its entirety? I congratulate your church for the ways they have helped you and your family with their good deeds, e.g. donating a car to your mother to help her to find work.

    Please understand that you have not explained how the seed relates to God. You still have not explained what you wanted to say about God in relation to the seed, and that is why I wrote that it’s better to write explicitly than to use analogies. I have a scientific bent so it is enough for me to see that seeds fall to the ground from trees and plants to try planting them. I would not need to be taught, but I would not reject
    information from someone who offered it to me.

    Confucius put it well –

    There are three ways to act wisely:

    Through meditation; this is the noblest.
    By imitation; this is the simplest.
    Through experience; this is the bitterest.

    Peace and love to all,


    Liked by 1 person

  2. :) says:

    Your simple words are an instructive picture. It’s easy to have our eyes on what the “other” person is doing, being, saying…yet personal growth comes as we allow the truth about ourselves be “seen” and “accepted.”

    “I desire Truth in the inmost being.” He knows how to change us “from glory to glory” until we are yielded and changed, day by day, into “the likeness of His Son.”

    Humble, simple words “speak.” The power to choose wisely always invites us higher.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Rae, Please do not think that the evil that has happened to you is due to your own past bad behavior. God does not work that way with you. If you will look more closely at the scriptures you will see that God is not vengeful and jealous, He is just and loving in His judgments and actions. Any wrath, that He displays, is toward the evil that is done by those who disrespect His laws and who harm the people the people that He loves.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I believed that at first. That every bad was some Divine punishment. Since growing in my faith, I’ve learned that isn’t the case at all. I appreciate the reminder, though 🙂 *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have to say it is a breath of fresh air to have a REAL christian blogger that’s just saying what they feeling. You have nooooooooo idea how encouraging your posts are and how many people it has had an effect on. You know so many would’ve loved to have this connection in my youth group so many years back, they needed people with this honesty. Now, I’m not saying this based on this post but on some of the others i have read. TBH I don’t think i commented, but i was like whoa! she’s hitting some serious subjects here. I love that. We need that in the church today, to set people free and get them talking because the devil uses all those things you keep lock in for years and when it finally comes out you would be surprised at all the things you have missed. Well done and keep setting people free sister.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. J.J., Thank you for your beautifully encouraging words. I’ve come to realize that the only thing the devil loves more than lies is silence. I’m still an infant in my faith, though. So I’m not sure how encouraging my posts are. Either way, I am deeply touched by your support. God bless! *Rae

    Liked by 1 person

  7. No problem. Just keep up the good work. Your posts have encouraged me to come out of hiding, lol. It doesn’t matter how much of an infant you may be, God is using you to encourage people like myself. I have been a christian for many years but i never want to be more than a child in the kingdom of God because the Lord is still teaching me things, and I love to learn.


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