Love, Lace, and Lock-Ins

I never expected to outgrow the shame and insecurity developed during my tween and teen years. A shame that had latched on to me like an insatiable tick- sucking any ounce of self-assurance that dared to manifest.

The only happy childhood memories I have are of pageants. My mother dressing me up in bows and lace. And memories of her taking me to Church. Especially when she permitted to sleep over at the youth lock-ins.

Soon after that, though, things weren’t so good.

I don’t want to bore you with a tired ol’ tale of growing up in poverty. Residing in a singlewide, being fed on food stamps, playing with donated toys, and wondering why my mother couldn’t do any better than 2 minimum wage jobs.

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God Will Provide

For the first time tonight, I attended Wednesday service at Church. I didn’t plan on going.

I had a dinner date with an old friend. I figured since I was already out of my house, I could swing by the Lord’s house.

Then I realized I left my Bible at home. I know me. If I went to pick up my Bible for Church, I wouldn’t have gone at all. Because #homebody

Plus I get nervous doing new things. Nerves are great at convincing us to avoid new situations.

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Combating Spiritual Stagnation

For the past week, I was both angry and depressed. I didn’t understand how despite all the progress I made in my faith (and in life in general), I was still subject to the same sh*t that had me a wreck last year.

Christianity is the hardest lifestyle anyone could choose. I considered giving it up more than a few times. What’s the point of praying, going to Church, and reading the Bible if nothing has changed?

Quitting would be too convenient, though. One thing I learned from my old days is:

If your fix stops working, don’t give up. Get more.

After much prayer and deliberation, I realized a lot has actually changed.

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I Don’t Work Sundays

It’s been a minute since I’ve sat down and blogged something thoughtful. I’ve posted little things occasionally just to post something. Because if a blogger who is prone to depression all of a sudden stops posting… 😐

But I’m still alive and have some stuff to share.

If you read, “Capitalist Mind, Christian Heart,” you know I was working at a company that didn’t sit right with my sense of integrity. I understood the things that were being asked of me. I got the big picture and the bottom line.

Still.

I didn’t feel comfortable doing some of the things I was told to do.

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The First Sunday

In my post, Church, yay! I said I’d be trying out a new Church… and I did. Today!

Wow, what an experience. Where to begin?

Okay, so first I dropped off my little Nugget in the nursery area which I thought was just the absolute coolest- the way it was organized and the security. Then I was escorted to the room where Ladies Fellowship and Bible Study was taking place. It was amazing. Just in the few moments of arriving, I was greeted by everyone and felt very welcome.

I was nervous, too. Like I was back in high school. You know when you look around for familiar faces and cling to them like a tick on a dog until you’re comfortable venturing out on your own. I think girls know more what I’m talking about. Guys kinda meander wherever. Whereas us ladies like to have a “place.” After the Bible study, I checked in the baby area on my Dumpling then me and my new Church friend went to the Worship Center.

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Church, yay!

You’d think, based on my blog, I already belonged to a Church. But nope. I haven’t been to Church in years. Before, I thought that Church was kind of like reading the Bible. Great if Christians do it, but not required to gain admittance into Heaven. Technically that’s true. Since Jesus bought us all tickets to Heaven, we need only to approach Him and ask for one.

But, like vitamins and exercise, there are just some things that must be done to enhance the quality of existence. I think Bible reading and Church attendance are the vitamin/exercise equivalent to living a high quality life in Christ.

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